The Puppeteer's Journey Through OFF
by Lord Master N
Summary: It seemed like a routine assignment for me, The Puppeteer; go to some foreign dimension and help out a hero in need. I've been doing this my whole life. It started out innocuously. My client, "The Batter," must defeat the creatures known as "Specters" plaguing his world. I was happy to help. But, this mission... would change me. Forever. Part One of The Puppeteer's Journey.
1. Chapter 1: The Mission

Ah... Greetings. My name? Just call me... The Puppeteer.

Who am I, exactly? I am a... traveler, of sorts. I visit other worlds and offer my services to heroes who need guidance. I have been on so many adventures as a result. And, indeed, I have met many people. I love my job. I love to help people and be a hero.

...Or at least, I used to. Then... something happened. One particular mission went _horribly_ wrong. To this day, it is burned in my mind. Now I've seen horrors of many kinds... but... _nothing_ could have prepared me for... that day.

Yet I suppose you still want to hear my story, don't you? Well, fine. It started with a simple request: my name.

"Your name is Puppeteer, correct?" "Yes," I answered.

"Are you a boy or a girl?"

 _Professor Oak?_ I thought in my head. I wasn't serious of course- I kid like that.

Oak, for those unaware, was someone I met in my travels. That was the first question he asked me.

"I'm neither."

No response. I kept calling them, but they didn't respond. I figured they didn't like my answer. So I told them "I'm a boy" because I didn't feel like getting into an argument.

Then, in the dark room, appeared a man. He looked... strange. He was dressed up like a baseball player, yet was pale white all over- even his skin. To be honest, he looked more drawing than man.

"You have been assigned to a being called 'The Batter.' The Batter has an important mission. Be sure that it's accomplished. We will let you out in zone 0. Good luck. For more information, find the one called 'The Judge.'"

And with that, we were...OFF.

Okay, that was a terrible pun, I know.

* * *

 **Author's Note:** Howdy, everybody!

So, I just wanted to inform you just what kind of story I'm writing here. Basically, this will be a sort-of Self-Insert depicting my character based on me venturing into the world of OFF. Now, I will do my best to ensure that this won't be your stereotypically bad self-insert where the main character is an obnoxious Mary Sue who can barely spell. This will be more of an interesting experiment.

I would also like to note that my character will not be an exact replica of me (for instance, I'm a cis male, while my _character_ is agender). I will change some things for the sake of the story. Just wanted to clear that up. So I sincerely hope you enjoy.


	2. Chapter 2: Zone 0

"To move my body, use the arrow keys on your keyboard. To interact with the environment, use the spacebar or the enter key."

"Thanks for the tutorial," said I.

Zone 0 was a strange looking place. Everything was some shade of yellow. Four blocks floated around us. We walked up and saw a tall building.

"So, if we're going to find the "Judge," we'll need to be ever vigilant. Look everywhere, keep eyes peeled. This search may take a while, but-"

A voice interrupted me. "There cannot be any other living beings in zone 0, so I must assume you are a figment of my imagination." It was a small, white cat... with a mouth full of _really sharp teeth._ I must have jumped when I first saw that. "Nevertheless, I will introduce myself. I am the Judge, and I am aching to know your name, dear elusory interlocutor." _Well, he's got quite the extensive vocabulary,_ I thought to myself.

"I'm the Batter. I've been assigned to a sacred mission."

"It is a pleasure. However, it is not the puppet I was addressing, but the puppeteer controlling it. What is your name, dear puppeteer?"

Before I could answer, The Batter rudely jumped in. "His name _is_ Puppeteer. He can't talk to us. However, he can hear and see everything."

"Even though you too are but an inexistent apparition in my eyes, let it be said that I am delighted to meet you as well, dear Puppeteer." _Uh, thanks?_

"I believe we're in need of your services," said The Batter, presumably eager to get down to business.

"Many people are in need of my services, you know. Everybody loves cats. We rub ourselves against their legs and purr in the most insistent matter. They adore that." I smiled. The Batter just clarified, "I'm not talking about that kind of help."

"I see..." said the Judge, "but what sort of service could I offer to an ectoplasmic entity?" _Come to think of it, what are we doing?_

"I am on a sacred mission. I must purify the world."

My eyes widened. That's typically the kind of thing my _enemies_ would say. In hindsight, perhaps I should have seen it coming...

The Judge snickered. "There is no objective more laudable than yours," he said with barely disguised sarcasm. "I accept to serve you as a guide through this area, if it is of any help to you." Seems he wasn't buying this either. The Batter just gave a "Thanks." A man of few words... like quite a bit of my clients, actually.

We followed The Judge up a ladder, where he continued the conversation. "Allow me to confess that I find you quite tangible for a phantasmagorial being. Might you in fact be a creature of flesh and blood?"

"I think so, yes," said The Batter. _You **think?**_ _Are you some kind of fucking alien?_

"So I have been mistaken from the beginning. You did not even interrupt me in my deluded phantasms. This is relatively bizarre, I must say, for you are the first living being I was given a chance to encounter in this lieu." _That's odd._ _Already this is pretty damn weird._

So the two of them offer me a combat tutorial. I decided, _why not?_

"Purification in progress," said The Batter.

The Judge went on to explain how battling works in this world. I have a basic attack, "competences," items, the usual. Interestingly though, I was given the option to just let my "puppet" do as they wished- the "Auto" option. Despite The Judge's warnings, I decided I just _had_ to try it out.

"No no no. You really have not understood one bit. It is enough to damn one's self. I will repeat it anew for you. Open your ears widely." Didn't listen. I'll admit, seeing him plead like that while getting hit again and again was amusing to me.

"Poor imbecile. You have drained my health points... I am going to die in this empty land, where your sacred mission ends."

I burst out laughing. It was so worth it.

Oh, you're shocked? Well, don't be- I've done this kind of thing before. Hurting my clients and allies like that for a quick laugh, I'm now ashamed to admit, is something I did often. But you see, being The Puppeteer gives me a special ability- I have the power to rewind time. With this, I can undo any damage I do. Or so I thought...

So I went back and did the tutorial correctly this time, and the Judge assured me I was ready. Then I went back _again_ _,_ just to see his reaction if I refused.

"I hope that what you state is more than hot air meant to impress me, because that would be taking a high risk." _I love everything this guy says._

Inside the building were some basic "touch the blocks in the right order" puzzles. Pretty easy, nothing I couldn't handle. Then we got to the bottom floor.

"Ahaha, finally! After all that exertion, the eagerly awaited recompense makes it's entrance to the scene!"

Cat food. We went through that for _cat food._ I laughed again, the idea seemed ridiculous.

Finally, we went outside and saw a red box. The Judge informed us, in his usual wordy manner, that the box takes us to "The Nothingness." _Sheesh, is everything here called "The Whatever?"_

He gave us the Leo card, which is needed to access zone 1, and left us to our devices.


	3. Chapter 3: Meeting People in Zone 1

A black room, with some... palm trees. The words "world map(?)" scroll across. Okay.

Wait... do I hear... whispering? It's getting louder... tons, maybe hundreds of voices whispering at once...

What...the... _fuck._

Whatever, let's go before I lose my sanity.

* * *

Zone 1. It looks kinda like zone 0, except all green instead of yellow. The sea is _pink._ And it's raining. Right away, I can tell that this is not a normal place.

Walking up with the Batter, I saw some guy. An actual person!

Upon closer inspection, though... he doesn't seem like any human I've ever seen. He has a rectangular head, no hair to speak of, black holes where his eyes should be, and his voice sounds like he's got lung cancer.

"Train #1 is a really useful means of transport to get about zone 1."

Okay, then. We hop in the train and enjoy the nice, relaxing ride. At our next stop, The Batter interacts with another one of those creatures.

"I...uhm... welcome to the smoke mines. Uh... may I know who you are? Are you an inspector?"

"No. I'm the Batter. I've come to exterminate the impure spirits."

"The... Batter... The... impure spirits? Are you some sort of... prophet? Or perhaps a man of belief?"

"Yeah. Something like that." Being vague as usual, I see.

"I... who sent you?"

"Nobody. I'm being led by Puppeteer." Hi! I'm up here!

"Ah, I don't know him. He must be a member of the superior personnel..." Far as I can see, I wouldn't be caught _dead_ working here.

* * *

An "Add-on." That's what the Judge told me I just picked up. It's a big floating ring. It's called "Alpha." With it, we walk off to the mines.

Only a few rooms in and we already get ambushed by specters. I'm glad- finally, I get to fight something!

"Show yourselves, corrupted children! I'm the voice of forgiveness that will eliminate your calamitous forms. Prepare yourselves to suffer my judgement."

Again with the creepy religious talk. Whatever. The scrubs are easily defeated.

Upon exiting the mines, we're tasked with "purifying" a barn of it's specters. It wasn't a hard task at all. But, just before we left... outside the barn is a... big looking guy. I can't tell, from the angle, what the _hell_ he's supposed to be. He looks all boney, his skin's all wrinkly, and... is that a helmet or his _face?_ I can't tell from here.

"Shut your trap, you poor moron."

"I...I don't know..."

He's arguing with one of those... Elsens, they were called?

"If you'd only listen to me more often, you wouldn't be in so much **shit.** " Okay, this guy's rude.

"I'll be leaving now. I'll be returning to Alma. At least the people there are polite. They ain't constantly cutting you off."

"Pl-... Please... Don't..."

"Goodbye. ...Piss off."

"Don't... No... I..."

"I command you. Get the fuck out of my way this instant, if you want to keep your job." Sheesh, this asshole swears a lot! And what the fuck is his problem?! Why's he being such a prick to his workers?!

"That was **Dedan.** He's the Queen's supervisor."

He mentioned a Queen... so is she the one running this place? Also, is she the one behind the specters? I get the feeling we'll have to fight her at some point...

The Batter threatens to "destroy him," but strangely the "Elsen" defends his boss. He claims his boss is not a specter. Well... whatever, I guess. Let's go, Batter.

* * *

Welp, after getting lost in the darkness of the mines and constantly getting ambushed by specters, we _finally_ made it out of the friggin cave!

Here's a yellow box and... who's that? Is he wearing a surgical mask?

"The characters are starting to pile up, aren't they?"

"Pardon?" asks The Batter, clearly as confused as I am.

"What I'm saying is that the average player doesn't need all these complicated and tedious dialouges. There should be more action and fewer questions."

"Who are you?"

"I'm Zacharie, the traditional items merchant that's necessary in every video game. I'll always find myself in places you're going to visit before you arrive. But enough blether. I'm not one of those protagonists you need to listen to for hours."

The Batter really hasn't been talking that much. In fact, a lot of my clients don't talk much.

"So, lemme see the color of your credits."


	4. Chapter 4: Fuck You Inspector

"It's you! You're the source of all my troubles! The ectoplasmic lord who's been eyeing my beloved zone! What do you want? Why've you decided to be a pain in the ass?" Wha- I just got here, asshole! I know as much as you do!

"I've dedicated my whole life to this place! You've got no right to ruin it with your damn ghosts! SHOVE OFF!"

GIVE ME A BREAK! I had to pull myself through a confusing-ass puzzle just to get here, kept getting attacked by specters, got attacked by your security guard- I'm trying to _save your asses,_ but **I'm** the bad guy?!

"If I see you again... you're dead." _Is that a threat?_ How about I kick your ass instead...

* * *

So we just went through a strange maze in which we had to "follow the music." Reminds me of an adventure that led me through a forest with a similar gimmick...

Anyway... here's that bastard's office.

"You! By the Queen's thousand faces! Are you crazy? Are you just completely retarded? What part of 'I'm gonna kill you' didn't you understand?"

Oh no, I understood perfectly. I'm just ignoring your "advice."

"You're insane. I'm the guardian of zone 1! It ain't nothing without me! What mental disorder got your blind faith to even hide the slightest bit of evidence from yourself?"

Shut up, dude. _You're_ the one who needs to learn a lesson in respect.

"I'm gonna cut your face to remove this insufferable smile."

...? Smile? The Batter hasn't smiled once since I got here.

Getting a better look at the guy, I see he's even more grotesque than I remember.

Well screw you. You treat your employees like shit. You force them to cut cows in half and dig through their organs for metal just to get something to eat. They work their asses off in horrible conditions just to please _you_ , only to hear you berate them, you ungrateful shit. So don't talk to _me_ about disrespect.

...With one final blow, Dedan goes down.

"Is... this... a joke?.. I... I... I... lost...? lost ?"

"You've been defeated, Dedan, guardian of the first zone. This land is now pure."

Dedan is now Deadan. And with that, everything fades to white. I smile, satisfied with the job I've done.

...Then I have a vision. I see a red room, with some kid in the center. The baby coughs. "That started badly," says the baby. Then it fades out...

...Okay, I don't know what _that_ was about, but I'm back in the black void with the palm tree tele-porters. Well, off to zone 2.

...Why am I getting this bad feeling...?


	5. Chapter 5: The Not-So-Fun Zone 2

Zone 2 is a big place. It's much bigger (and _nicer-looking)_ than the dull, drab Zone 1. It's split off into four roads, somewhat in the shape of a cross. In the center is probably the biggest library I've ever seen. It's gargantuan, and quite the sight.

Unfortunately, that sense of wonder doesn't translate to the inside. To my disappointed confusion, most of the books are fake. I'm not kidding. The Elsens here say that fake books make less noise and carry less risk of paper cuts. Of course, I don't see what's the point. The few that are real are borderline unreadable. The Elsens freak out if I turn more than a page. For a library, it really sucks. And that's _without_ mentioning the usual specters. Oh, the pains of being a bookworm adventurer.

Well, an Elsen said there was a cat up here, so let's go see the Judge again.

"Who... Who are you?" I could ask you the same thing. Another talking cat?

"My name is Japhet. I am the creator of this city. I am also the one leading the phantoms, the royal instruments of my vengeance."

"You're the chief of the specters?" Well, that was easy. Here's the villain, standing right in front of me. Thought it would take longer.

"Specifically, they are my arms, sent to me by the Queen to restore justice to this zone." I _knew_ something seemed fishy about that Queen they kept mentioning...

A kitty though? This'll be easy!

...Something's suspicious. This is _too_ easy. He doesn't even have his own battle theme.

"I must confess that I have underestimated you. Unfortunately for you, I would discard all manners as a gentleman when necessary. Especially for a new enemy."

Ah, I _knew_ he had something up his sleeve. I swear, I'm right about everything. I have some kind of sixth sense of awesomeness.

"Specters, come to me! Dance together and echo the song of the righteous! The torment of men heals my wounds... Your body will feed the intangible spirits for eternity..."

Alright, now the _real_ fight begins!

"... Phantoms? Phantoms, come to me! Curses! By what magic, baleful human, do you manage to prevent my ectoplasmic acolytes from joining me? No matter! You will taste my wrath!"

...I did nothing. Looks like your own minions don't respect you.

"Poor fool! It is not yet time to reveal my true nature! Still, know that you gain nothing by waiting, obnoxious buffoon!"

Yeah, yeah, sure, sure, blah, blah, generic villain chitchat. Run away like a coward. You're just lucky I don't have a dog with me.

Oooh, look! Another Add-on! "Omega."

* * *

"Buenos dias, dear Puppeteer. Where's a better place to shop than a shopping mall?"

A Spanish toad-masked man who makes bad puns. Eh, I guess I've had weirder days.

So after purchasing some goods, we stroll down into the mall.

And I have _no idea_ where I'm going. The whole thing is another maze! It feels like I'm going around in circles! Ah, there's fucking _rats_ everywhere! Giant specter rats! How Batty can get through all this with a straight face, I have no idea.

I find a lone Elsen in a room. "I'm lost..." he says. Me too, buddy.

 _At last,_ I find the Judge. "Is not this publicity so effective and efficient whilst defying the basics of consumer marketing?" He's looking at a drawing of a cat. Guess Japhet's not the only cat with an oversized ego.

He explains that his brother lived on the roof of the library here, but he disappeared and the Judge can't get to the roof to find him. Oh, crap, d-don't tell me...

"If at the bend of a corner you happen to see Valerie, give him my greetings."

Oh, his name's _Valerie._ Never mind then, I'm just being paranoid.

Outside that room, there's a switch to activate the pedalo. Why they decided to put a pedalo leading to the park all the way here, in the mall, I don't know. I'm honestly beginning to suspect that The Batter and I are the only sane ones in this world of weirdness.

So, a park! This must be fun!

* * *

As if the library and mall weren't disappointing enough, the park is small, there's barely anyone there, and the few Elsens are still scared beyond reason. They literally sit on chairs and _pretend_ they're riding a roller coaster! And I don't even _like_ roller coasters, but that's _lame_! At least we were able to get in the old roller coaster and get a nice picture. Fun fact: The Batter, apparently, is a fan of rollercoasters. Good for him, but I'm stuck here.

The boat ride wasn't very fun, either. The motors made it hard to really navigate. At least, let's see if the balloon game makes up for the overall suckiness of this place.

"W... Welcome. Play, play, play the balloon game!" Alright let's do this!

About 20 failures later, I finally win. "I... I... I've lost. No... that's impossible... You-I have been cheating from the start..." WHAT.

"You cheated! You bear me much ill will!"

The Elsen transforms into a "Burnt," which I've heard happens when they get stressed enough. No matter, I pop him like I pooped the balloons. Bitch.

"The grand prize was a necktie?" Really? And now the Elsens are panicking. Whatever, I'm just going to rob this place and leave before I have to deal with any more exploding Elsens.


	6. Chapter 6: The Chief of the Specters

The plaza is full of Elsens. Japhet is getting ready for some kind of big speech.

"There is still time to repent of your omissions, ungrateful wretches... Crave my pardon immediately, or I will send you back to limbo this instant."

"Did you hear something?" said one Elsen.

"Poor cretins! I am here, right in front of you, ready to send you to hell! So? Are you ready to apologize to your father and protector, you band of wimps?"

But the cat was ignored. The Elsens just minded their own business like he wasn't there.

"That is it! I am going to teach you to respect me..."

And just like that, a bunch of specters pop up to terrorize the citizens. Everyone starts running and screaming. I looked back at the Batter.

"Let's purge these impure beasts... and fast." Hell yeah, that cat's not getting away with this!

These specters just keep getting grosser. This one has a disturbing smile and a giant head with... littler heads, if that makes any sense. Not that _anything_ here is making much sense.

Upon a whack of the bat, it separates into several smaller specters. Great. I've really got my work cut out for me this time.

* * *

And so, once again, I have saved the day. I may have had to kill a few burnt citizens, but it's all in the name of justice and the greater good, so whatever.

"A... Anyway, we thank you for helping us. But, uh... That thing you have there..."

"My bat?"

"Yes... your... bat... That's an awfully dangerous object... I'll have to ask you to leave the residential area. ... and give us your tie... You... You should understand, of course... It's a measure of security..."

For saving a whole residential area, I get unceremoniously dumped out. Ungrateful shits.

The Judge walks up to us.

"I am embarrassed, I admit it, but it appears that I need you and your puppet's purifying intentions, dear Puppeteer... Valerie, my beloved brother, appears to have fallen off the rails of conciousness and into the depths of uncontrollable madness. He calls himself Japhet, and, in addition to being the royal agent he has never been, proclaims himself chief of the spectres."

So my paranoia was justified after all.

"I believe this is a perfect mission for you, full of all that gratuitous violence which you seem to revel with glee." Wait, what's _that_ supposed to mean?

"Okay. I'll go to the library," says The Batter, eager as always. Well, as eager as a man like him can be.

"I will follow you," says The Judge.

* * *

The books tell the story of Japhet. Once the proud guardian of zone 2, he created the library and the city as a gift to his subjects. The citizens played as happy children... before giving in to their natural state of fear. Soon their father was forgotten. The bird became a cat and then a ruler, who summoned sprits of vengeance. Now, he waits for the one who will kill him, and end his evil.

...Wow. Now I actually feel some sympathy for him. Nevertheless, he must be stopped.

There's Zacharie, the merchant, just under the top.

"Nice view from up here, don't you think? It almost makes me forget that this is only a video game."

Ha ha, fourth wall jokes. But anyway, we should prepare for our battle. For his sake...

The Judge calls out to his brother. "Valerie!"

"Valerie? That ... is the name of the cat. You are mistaking me for someone else. I am Japhet the fire bird, guardian of zone 2!"

"Stop with these paranoid delusions, dear brother! Come with me to zone 0. I have built a cellar where we can forget our sorrows..."

"I am not your brother! I do not even belong to any race of predators! Take a look at my real face, you poor, smelly cat!"

"Va... Valerie?"

The cat's mouth opens to reveal the bird inside. So that is what the book meant.

"You do not understand, do you? I am not Valerie, I am Japhet! I have taken control of your miserable little brother! Unable to even chew through a little bird, until the end."

...Why? Just why would you do this?

"Whatever. Japhet, I am here to destroy you, you who claim to control the specters."

"I was waiting, Batter. I will not go down without a fight."

...Let's just end this quickly. For Valerie.

"You must understand! These fools... They only care about their own pathetic hassles! I did everything for them! They are like my own, countless children... And like all disrespectful children, they need to be punished."

What did Valerie do to deserve this? You're the one who needs punishment.

"I am not a god. I am not perfect. Yes I have sinned, I admit it, but my responsibilities are far beyond that of a mere mortal." Japhet squeezes itself out of Valerie even more, grotesquely stretching the poor cat's body beyond recognition.

"Alright, purifier. You are going to seal my fate? No matter. _I am ready to die._ But first, allow me to show you my true form."

Valerie's bones can now be heard cracking, breaking into little pieces, his blood spilling onto the face of the now-giant bird. The whole scene is disgustingly pitiful. Japhet's blank, dead eyes now staring directly at us, it says, "I am the millennial fire bird. Let the battle begin."

* * *

The once-proud guardian now lies on a bloody puddle on top of it's greatest creation, both mere shells of what they once where.

"So, I have been slain. You can be proud to have accomplished your mission, Batter."

The Judge still vainly calls out for his brother. "Valerie..."

"You've been defeated, Japhet, guardian of the second zone. This land is now pure." And, like last time, everything turns to white. Except, this time, victory doesn't feel so sweet.

Another vision of that kid in the red room. "The... the bird... he fell too."

Again, in this black void. That certainly was a depressing "victory." I decide, nonetheless, to press onward. Maybe, if I go fast enough, I can save more lives. I can get a happier ending.

...Yet I'm getting that bad feeling again. Like I shouldn't press onward. I ignore it. This can't possibly be that bad...

* * *

 _Oh, if only I weren't so naïve..._


End file.
